this is happiness. happy one year, dear. #anniversary #boyfriend #love

8:37 PM with 0 notes
November 30
tagged: love   anniversary   boyfriend  

come gather round children and let me tell you a story.
it’s about me and the sweet boy in these pictures.

we met about two years ago. it was the beginning of my freshman year, and his sophomore year. we lived in the same building and he would talk to me every now and then in passing. one night he came and sat with me in my room and talked with me for hours about anything we could.
about a week later, he asked me out.
i said yes.
we dated for about four months after that, and it was good. of course it had its rough patches like all relationships do, but it was hard on me. i felt scared, doubtful, afraid of the decisions i was making.
we broke up, thinking it was for the best.
it wasn’t.
i had flings with several guys in the months afterwards, but they all ended rather badly. i would think i was happy, but nothing felt right. nothing really clicked. i wasn’t happy.
it was early in the morning on the last day of november. this boy looked into my eyes and asked me out once again. 
i cried and said yes.
he cried and kissed all over my face and held me tight.
and nine months later, here we are.
we’ve gone through hell and high water together, but no matter how rough things get, we always manage to work it out in the end. he’s given so much for me and does everything he can to make me happy. i honestly don’t know what i would do without him. i’ve never felt this much love for one person. he’s my dear friend, love, and companion. 
and every day i love him more. 

now enough with being sappy. i’m gonna go eat the tacos he just cooked cause damn my bby can cook.

6:21 PM with 3 notes
August 30
tagged: personal   dear diary   thoughts   love   king-of-the-late-nights   i love you dear  

time flies by fast; to think it was only nine months ago that this silly boy came into my life once again. they’ve been the happiest months of my life and i can’t wait to see what the future has in store for us. #boyfriend #love

9:42 AM with 2 notes
August 30
tagged: love   boyfriend  

i am very grateful to call this one “my boy”. 

i dragged him to valle cruces today (against his will), but it turned out for the best. we walked around the store and goofed around with kid toys, played checkers (he kicked my ass even though it was a close game), and i ended up buying us bottled soda before we left. on our way back we stopped at a local park and walked around. 
i saw daffodils growing across a small stream, and he jumped over and picked them for me. daffodils remind me of a happier time when i was young, so it was very nice receiving them from someone who’s special to me.
we continued around and found the river. we stood along the bank and tried to skip rocks. i suck at it. 
beside the river was this giant, mutated looking tree. i noticed where some people had carved their names into the bark, so he found a sharp rock and etched our initials into the trunk. i kept singing “mary” by noah and the whale as he did. once he was finished  took this picture.
we went back to the front of the park and played on the playground a bit. there was a bear statue there, and i really wanted to take a picture of both of us with it, but was too afraid to ask the young couple who was nearby pushing their daughter on the swings. he walked over and asked, and the father politely took a few pictures for us. we went back to the car, then were on our way back to boone.

it’s days like this where i am happy that i can look over and know that there’s someone here who loves me unconditionally and whom i love in return. we’ve been through a lot, but we’ve managed to make it. and i know that we’ll continue to get by and get better with each day.

i love him. and that’s never going to change.

9:53 PM with 3 notes
March 29
tagged: personal   dear diary   bby   boyfriend   love   my face  

01012012:

I wonder what it’s like to be in love with someone. What’s it like to have a crush? To be so flustered or happy or eager when conversing with someone? What’s it like to be sad when you don’t see somebody every day or when you don’t talk to someone? What’s it like to be excited for a simple text or a wave or a smile? What’s it like to cry over somebody because you’re not brave enough to confess or that person’s already taken? What’s it like to have your heart break every time you remember that you hold an unrequited love? What’s it like to passionately long for someone? To want to spend every waking moment together? To fall in love all over again and again and again with the same person? What’s it like to love?

to me, love is constant.

it’s that constant light-headed feeling you get whenever you see that person. like your head is suddenly one of those silver crinkly balloons that they sell in grocery stores that have contrite sayings like “get well” or “it’s a boy” on them.

it’s that jolt of electricity that pops and crackles under your skin and scorches your veins when they even so much as brush your shoulder as you pass.

it’s never-ending conversations in a dimly lit coffee shop over lattes that have long grown cold as you discuss philosophy and religion and your lives and everything in between.

it’s the knife that punctures your heart, cutting through your ribs and through all the muscle, and twists with every hateful word said or by every worried thought that they may find someone else better than yourself. it’s the tears that you shed when you yearn to see their face and hear their voice after long periods of separation.

love is everywhere. it is within friends, family, lovers, even strangers.

i have seen love in a stranger’s eyes in a low-lighted tunnel.

i have seen love in the eyes of a friend who was something more, then went back to a friend. (i don’t see it much anymore, but i know deep in my gut it’s still there).

i have seen love in the eyes of my father and mother, despite the hateful words spat at each other.

i see love in the eyes of my beloved every time he looks at me and with every smile he shares.

love is constant. and it is astonishing. 

1:48 AM with 26 notes
December 26
tagged: 01012012   personal   thoughts   love  

christmas lights lie and so do i

i can see
every little light from
the tree
as i sit on my bed
and it’s okay, i guess

we don’t use the same lights anymore.
i’ve always hated change. 

-

i wish you were sitting here
with me, maybe
with your back to me as
i stayed up blogging (you say
i’m addicted, i just say
it’s better at night) and you roll over
and throw an arm around
my waist, sleepily mumbling
for me to come here, and i just
rub your head and scratch your back and
whisper “go back to sleep, sweetie.”
and i’ll put up the laptop and
you’ll pull me close and we
will go to sleep in a mass
of tangled limbs and tangled sheets.

but instead
i’ll stay up alone, tangled up
in just sheets
while you’re asleep miles away
maybe dreaming of me.

-

christmas is supposed to be
about being with who you love, and
i can’t be with you right now. it
is hard not to be a little depressed. 

1:23 AM with 0 notes
December 25
tagged: personal   poetry   poem   spilled ink   what i wrote   christmas   love  

this is how he is for me. i let him go once and thought it was for the best; now when i look back on it, i was silly. he may not be what i always dreamed of when i was a kid, but he’s everything i ever need.

i love him to death and i am not letting him go again.

7:19 PM with 306 notes
December 24
tagged: personal   thoughts   love  

Love

speaktomorestrangers:

I suppose I’ve only ever thought there to be two kinds of ‘love’. One, you feel for your friends, your family - it’s compassion, empathy, open heartedness; it’s a general, enveloping, positive emotion towards people or places or things.

The other kind of love is the you-are-my-soulmate, my-one-and-only type of thing. The sort of word that makes your heart stop for a minute the first time you hear it in a relationship. The kind of word you only hear in a relationship. The kind of word that defines where you stand in that relationship. The kind of thing you wait months before saying, hold back the first few times because you might only be sure you mean it right now and maybe it’ll be different in ten months. This kind of love, I’ve always considered to be the serious, heavy, game-changing “I am in love with you”.

That’s how it’s always been for me. From my first really serious girlfriend to the on-and-off pillhead lovers, from almost-serious hookups to my high school sweetheart, there has been this one kind of love that I searched for and found and lost because that’s how that sort of thing can happen.

And you tell me you love me, sometimes. And I sort of just smile or kiss you or otherwise take it in stride, not quite knowing how to react. I care deeply for you. You balance me. There are poems and drawings driven entirely by your ubiquitous presence in my head - it often feels like you are all there is for me here. But you tell me you love me and it makes me, momentarily, terrified. What if we aren’t on even ground? What if one of us feels something to an extreme the other doesn’t? What if a difference in feeling is what changes us? Will I hurt you by not telling you that I love you too? I can’t possibly love you, it’s too soon, I’m not ready to drain my bank account to buy you a ring.

But I realize, now, that all relationships include a certain amount of love. Even a puppy crush, I think, involves a bit of it. There is no permanence to it; love may be a committed relationship, but the feeling itself is not a commitment. It can pass and fade and die and grow and change and be a thousand things.

For me to have thought that there is either this “friends and family” sort of love or this “I want to marry you first thing tomorrow” sort of love was foolish. Those are extremes; there is an entire spectrum between them. I hesitate to tell you I love you too because I’ve spent my whole life thinking those words to be this declarative, finalistic diamond ring that we only put on the one person we really, truly, seriously, honestly believe is for us, forever.

I think because of that, because of the weight I attribute to those three words, I may not be able to casually tell you I love you too. I’m too attached to the fairy tale idea of “love” as this forever-lasting, all-powerful sort of romantic force. The rational side of me realizes that this is somewhat ludicrous; the romantic side of me says that it doesn’t matter, because that’s what it knows.

I am happy with you. I do not see an end to this. I am exuberant to see your face, enthusiastic to hear you knock; there is insight in your words and deep comfort in your touch. There is poetry in your movements. There is music in your breath. Understand, please, how deeply I do feel for you; but understand my inability to let slip those three words, however powerful they may be when you use them.

i’ve always been that person to say “i love you” first in a relationship.

in my first real relationship, my boyfriend looked at me very seriously when i said it and told me not to say those words again unless i really meant it. and it hurt at the time, because i did mean it.

i’ve said those words to many different people, and for each person there is a different amount of love or a different meaning for it. but i think that having this understanding of love can be any sort of level rather than two main extremes is very important.

1:26 PM with 6 notes
November 02
tagged: speaktomorestrangers   love   thoughts   rambling  

you are a fine chardonnay that i have acquired a taste for

your voice is like wine to me.
i find myself drunk on it
whenever you let it flow
from your lips.

i pray it never runs dry.

4:00 PM with 0 notes
October 08
tagged: personal   poem   poetry   wine   love  

i told you i once sat at your desk and read tao lin. you just smiled in response.

how can a title be given
to two people
who want nothing more
than to grow
and learn
from each other
and simply enjoy
each other’s company?
why must we demand
that a label be put
on a relationship
such as that?

i want nothing more
than to lay my head in your lap
and listen as you read books by men
who have long been dead
and whom you admire. 

why do we have to explain ourselves to others? 

-

last night
you said such sweet words
(“you’re just beautiful”
"you’re really smart"
"you really need to give yourself more credit")
that i was afraid
it was simply the artificial chemicals
pumping through your veins
that happened to be affecting
your mind

but you smiled and took my hand
and reassured me that you meant
every
word
you
said.

every smile
and every kind word
took me by surprise.

you called me baby
and seemed so concerned for my well-being.
whenever I asked why
you would say “because i love you”
and i would feel my heart
climbing against my ribcage
trying desperately to escape
so it could join with yours. 

-

for the first time
i took your hand
and didn’t feel scared.

this is progress. 

-

"this may sound crazy, but does every song remind you of us?"

why yes.
they do.

-

you have no idea
how much i think of you. 

10:36 PM with 2 notes
October 07
tagged: personal   poem   poetry   spilled ink   love  
llmns